This is part 2 on How to Make Your Home into Your Dream Sanctuary. To read part 1, click here.
In my last post on making our homes into our sanctuary, we discussed how our attitudes affect our home and what we can do about it, as well as how to create a welcoming environment, how to hit pause, and how to enjoy the small things .
Now let’s turn to what’s probably the greatest source of both joy and irritation in our daily lives: relationships. When our relationships are healthy, then they’re a wellspring of life in our homes. But what do we do when certain relationships become so negative – toxic – that they’re making our hearts and homes sick?
Just as our heart’s attitude shapes the atmosphere of our home, so does the influence of negative people. A lot of what makes a home a sanctuary isn’t physical but emotional and spiritual. Why? Because we are spiritual beings. We happen to have a physical body, but we are most affected by what consumes our hearts and minds. Jesus reminds us in Matthew 15:18 “But those things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and they defile a man.”
Negative people – we can even call them toxic people – bring emotional and spiritual stress into our lives.
However, we need to distinguish between truly toxic people and people who behave negatively occasionally but don’t rise to the level of toxic people.
Toxic people are:
- Hard to please
- Difficult to appease when they believe they’ve been wronged
- Can be vengeful
- Sometimes enjoy causing turmoil and being center of attention
- Go on the offense and commit character assassination when justifiably confronted
- Plays the victim (when they’re obviously not) to keep you on the defensive
- Manipulative
- Take advantage of you
- Disrespectful of personal boundaries
- Curse at you
- Scream at you
- Addiction (addiction can, and probably will, turn good people into toxic people)
- Do any of these behaviors in front of your children
- Disparage you in front of – or to – your children
- Engage in immoral behavior in front of your children
This is not an exhaustive list. If any of these behaviors sound familiar and you want to know more, here are some articles on identifying toxic people in your life:
8 Things the Most Toxic People in Your Life Have in Common
Toxic People: 12 Things They Do and How to Deal with Them
Toxic people exude negativity. Happy moments in relationships with these people are occasional deviations before the relationship quickly returns to toxic behavior.
The opposite is true with people who are basically decent but exhibit occasional poor behavior. These people value their relationship with you. When you lovingly confront them about their behavior, they may be defensive, yes, but ultimately they’ll seek restoration. Hurtful behavior is the exception, not the rule. Decent people fall into typical human troubles where we’re all vulnerable, but it’s not a pattern.
So what do we do when toxic people’s behavior is undermining the peace and sanctuary of our family?
First, remember that it’s our God-given duty to protect our children. If there’s toxic behavior in the home, then you must confront it. Ideally, our husbands will take the lead on this. But for many of us, that’s not possible because we’re single or have an uninvolved spouse.
In that case, pick up his helmet and shield and fight for your family.
Ideally, we could push toxic people out of our homes and limit their influence on us. Co-workers, friends, and extended family fall into this category. But many times, toxic people live right in our homes with us and we can’t do anything about it. Or maybe that person is our husband or an older teen and we want to keep the person with us. Either way, toxic behavior must be confronted, contained, and corrected.
(Side note: if your toxic person is an abuser who is a danger to your family, then seek help. Get counseling for yourself and your children. If possible, separate the toxic person from your household and allow him/her time in the wilderness with God to address his/her behavior. Then you can move forward with returning home and restoring the relationship.)
We each have the power to confront toxic behavior and here’s what I suggest.
Prayer. Pray stubbornly and persistently for God’s intervention in your toxic person’s spirit. Ask God to protect the spirit and emotional wellbeing of the other family members as you prepare for battle. And pray for yourself. You’re going to need courage and fortitude for the battle to come. Ask trusted, godly friends to pray for you, too.
Don’t chase crazy. Toxic people are irrational. When a toxic person says something nasty like “You only married him because no one else wanted you”, don’t try to confront her with reason. She’s irrational!
And she’ll always beat you at this game because she’s willing to escalate as much as necessary to come out on top. Both of you will end up angry and defensive and the peace of your home will erode a fraction more. In this case, set your jaw, press your lips together and say nothing. No matter how long she talks, continue with what you were doing and ignore her. Without an audience, she’ll fizzle out. King Solomon must have known a few toxic people because he wrote:
He who reproves a scoffer gets shame for himself,
And he who rebukes a wicked man gets himself a blemish.
Proverbs 9:7
Live the good life. Or, should I say, the holy life. Don’t let crazy drag you away with him. When you chase crazy, you’re letting him influence your behavior. The Bible says that our lives – lived in love, holiness, compassion and courage – are supposed to influence the ungodly toward Christ.
Jesus said, “Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:16
We all mess up in this area. It’s hard to be abused by a toxic person and not bite back. I do sometimes. But that’s not the walk we’re called to. We follow Jesus through the narrow gate and let the light He casts on us illuminate the road for others to follow Him, too. Let crazy follow you for once.
Set boundaries: Path, Fence, or Fortress.
Boundaries are your best friends. They work amazingly well to grow emotionally healthy kids and they’re effective at curbing toxic garbage behavior. Boundaries are expectations or limits with an enforceable consequence.
You’ll need to decide what level your boundaries will be.
Path boundaries are the lowest level and are useful for ordinary annoying behavior. However, path boundaries may not be solid enough for toxic people. Path boundaries are guides. They tell a rational, sensitive person how you want to be treated. Let’s say that 90% of your Uncle Trevor’s phone calls are to ask you to dogsit his obnoxious chihuahua, Bunny Foo Foo.
Pretty soon you stop answering Uncle Trevor’s rings for help when his name pops up on caller ID. But you like Uncle Trevor and you want to chat with him on the phone without worrying about the impending request to house and feed BFF. Give Uncle Trevor a gentle path boundary: “Uncle Trevor, I’m not the best person to dogsit. Bunny is adorable but I’m busy with the kids and Bunny is underfoot too much. Please ask someone else in the future. In fact, my friend Lacey has a dog-walking side business and may be willing to dogsit, if you’d like her number. So, would you like to go fishing with me and the kids on Saturday?”
Now when Uncle Trevor calls, you won’t have that pesky combination of guilt and trepidation and your relationship can get back on track.
However, your toxic person will probably need a Fence boundary. Fence boundaries provide more limits on behavior with enforceable consequences. But fences have gates. These gates are opportunities for healing and restoration in the relationship if your toxic person comes around. A fence boundary looks like this: “If you’re going to scream at me, then I’m going to leave the room and shut the door. We can revisit the conversation when you’re calm.”
Fence boundaries follow an If-Then pattern. “If” is the boundary and “then” is the consequence. The key is that the boundary should be enforceable. Yes, you can leave the room but you probably can’t ground him until he’s 21. Fence boundaries work well for common toxic behavior issues. But what do you do when the toxic behavior is truly threatening or dangerous? Then it’s time for Fortress boundaries.
Fortress boundaries have serious walls. We’re past leaving gates open for restoration and moved into protective mode. Walls are strong, thick, and high. Your family is hiding inside and counting on these walls to protect them. If you’re in fortress territory, then I feel for you. It’s painful and heart-rending to get to this point. But you need to protect yourself and your family.
A Fortress boundary can sometimes mean a physical barrier: “The kids and I will be at my parents’ house until you’re in an addiction treatment facility.” Although fortress boundaries can have an enforceable consequence, they don’t always need one. That’s because fortress boundaries are protective first and may, if your toxic person wants to save the relationship, open the path to healing the relationship. But before you try to heal the relationship, establish protective boundaries for yourself and your children.
What if the toxic person won’t respect boundaries?
This has been a problem in some of my relationships and, in my opinion, there are two ways to deal with this.
First, bring in a second person to help you confront the toxic person. Ideally this second person should have enough leverage or influence on the toxic person that your ally can enforce a boundary. You can choose a trusted family member, a close friend of the toxic person (your toxic person may not listen to your friends but he could be influenced by his own friend, but choose wisely here), a professional counselor or a pastor.
If your toxic person values the good opinion of your ally, then that could be enough to motivate your toxic person to respect boundaries and move toward health. For example, a toxic husband may respect his pastor enough to agree to your boundaries. The pastor can then be an accountability partner for your husband.
The second method is to remove yourself and your children from the situation. If a toxic person is becoming verbally abusive, get in the car and drive to Chick-fil-A. De-escalate the situation and bring in a positive event your family can focus on to relieve tension. Remember, boundaries are protective. If you have to leave a situation to protect the atmosphere of your home, then by all means do it. It doesn’t mean you’re giving up on your toxic person – you’re limiting her influence on you and your loved ones. And that’s a good thing.
What boundaries aren’t.
Boundaries protect relationships and shouldn’t be misused to control people in the name of “setting boundaries.” While we’re wrapping up the subject of boundaries, we should talk about how not to use boundaries. Boundaries aren’t for control, they’re for protection. We can subtly misuse boundaries when we’re trying to get our way. For example, a wrong use of boundaries could be “Honey, I’m setting a boundary. I want breakfast in bed every morning or no lovin’ for you.” That’s a no-no. It’s self-serving. Use boundaries the right way and they can protect our hearts and enrich our homes. As women of God, that’s our goal: to use the tools we’re given to build, encourage, and enhance.
Since our homes are meant to protect and nurture the people who dwell there, we must make it a priority to protect their tender spirits. Sadly, we may need to protect them from a person who lives with us, someone we love. When we confront, contain, and correct toxic behavior, then we make our homes a true place of refuge. And God willing, we’ve used our influence to draw a soul toward the life-changing love of Jesus.