This is Day 5 of a five-day study on overcoming the shame of failure so you can put the past behind you. Missed a day? No problem. Use the menu below to jump to any day of the devotional.
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Overcome failure and put the past behind you by working through the five stages of recovery: Denial/Ducking, Shame, Repentance, Grief and Recovery. Let’s dive into day 5, where we explore building the habit of letting go and passing it forward with Recovery.
Day 5
Stage: Recovery
Read: Psalm 51
Fear consumed me.
As my digestive health deteriorated, my anxiety grew. I used to drive six hours to visit family and I enjoyed the journey. Getting there is half the fun, right? Not when you have anxiety.
My stomach symptoms were confusing, and abdominal pain arrived unpredictably. My mind ran at high tension and it was hard to relax. Even movies gave me anxiety. So did novels with passages about traffic jams. Because traffic jams meant being trapped where pain could grab hold of me and I couldn’t escape.
To protect myself from pain and fear, I stopped going places where they could happen. Soon I could hardly drive eight minutes to the store. My mind was awash with poisonous anticipation as I cruised the veggie aisle at Wal Mart, as I evaluated every blip and twitch for a potential onslaught of pain.
My world got smaller.
My kids were trapped with me because mommy couldn’t take them many places. Once my autistic son, who has a seizure disorder, had an appointment at Children’s National Medical Center in Washington, DC with the neurodevelopmental clinic. I had always taken Luke there myself.
But this time I begged my mom to drive him, and I wrote a pitiful note to the doctor allowing my mom to come in my place. I should have been there for a lot of things.
Fear stole that from me. Anxiety said, “Stay here where you’re safe.” But it was a lie.
Here’s the thing: I never gave my brain a chance to experience situations I was afraid of, so I never had the opportunity to prove anxiety wrong.
Counselors and doctors in the field of psychology know this and treat anxiety and agoraphobia with exposure therapy. Exposure therapy introduces the patient to a minor element of the feared object or situation.
- First, a person terrified of spiders may simply imagine a spider.
- Next he may look at a photograph of a spider, then a video of a spider crawling on a man’s hand.
- Then he may view a spider inside a glass enclosure.
- Perhaps, next, the lid would be removed from the enclosure.
- At some point the spider may be placed on a table or floor, with no barrier between the patient and spider.
- Finally, the patient may touch the spider. Or maybe not.
If you’ve been tormented by shame, you need a new experience with God.
Call it exposure therapy for the soul.
It’s time to replace shame-based thoughts, feelings, and behaviors with new experiences: experiences of freedom, forgiveness, hope and self-confidence.
Shame is probably the feeling that brought you here. Shame can too often go from a helpful emotion – one that leads us to repentance – to a toxic identity.
- Shame is what we are. We perceive ourselves as being fundamentally flawed. Shame becomes the cloak we wear over those flaws.
Hopefully, as you’ve worked through these devotions and journal and moved through the five steps, you’ve broken the power of shame. But you may be left with lingering shame-based feelings.
“I’m a failure.”
“I can’t do anything right.”
“It’s my lot in life to stink at what matters.”
“I’ve ruined my life.”
The “I” shame has become an identity. Now we are going to kill it.
Our weapon is new experiences of freedom in Christ.
Your brain is used to shame-based thinking. Whenever your typical trigger shows up, your brain responds with a shame-based reaction. Now you’re going to replace that shame reaction with a freedom response.
When you consistently replace the old with the new, then you develop something amazing: a habit.
Your weapon is the practice of replacing shame-based thoughts with freedom responses until it becomes a habit to think with freedom instead of shame.
Congratulations, your new habit is now normal life.
Yes, your old shame-based thoughts will pop up now and then. You may have conquered shame-based thinking, but you haven’t let go of the memories.
And sometimes memories are triggered.
But you don’t need to invite those thoughts and memories in for drinks and dinner. Let them walk on by. A passing shadow across your window, here and gone.
You’ve got a life to live. A life without predatory shame. A life free to make new choices. A life to be lived.
Replacing shame-based thoughts.
Shame-based thought: “I’m a failure.”
- Freedom response: “I have failed, but that’s in the past. I’ve learned from it, but it’s not who I am. Go away.”
Shame-based thought: “I can’t do anything right.”
- Freedom response: “I did this thing wrong, but it’s over. It’s not who I am. I’m taking what I learned so I don’t do it again. My past doesn’t dictate my future. Now move along.”
Shame-based thought: “It’s my lot in life to stink at what matters.”
- Freedom response: “I’ve digested my failure and reflected on it. I’m not doomed to repeat my past. I have all the tools I need to succeed. And if I don’t, then I’ll ask for help. Now be quiet.”
Shame-based though: “I’ve ruined my life.”
- Freedom response: “God is in the redeeming business. Life isn’t over until it’s over. Until then, I’m going to fight for my good future and the future of the ones I love. I’m not over and I’m not done. Shut up now.”
Replace, replace, replace. Retrain your brain and watch your beliefs about yourself transform.
Affirmations replace lies with truth. While they may seem silly, verbalizing your new beliefs helps assimilate them into your person.
You ARE made new. You ARE a new creation. God is in the redeeming business and He’s not done with you yet.
Two weeks ago, I drove my son to Children’s National Medical Center for an appointment. Yes, I had butterflies in my stomach. Yes, I carefully prepared just in case I had tummy trouble. Yes, I rear-ended a Mercedes Benz (true).
Anxiety doesn’t control – I control my anxiety. That battle was fought experience by experience as I challenged my brain and confronted its false beliefs. Experience by experience of truth, I became victorious.
A final note on Recovery:
It’s about you, but it’s about more than you. God heals you not just for your own comfort, but so you can comfort others.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 NKJV
David turned his sin into service:
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.
Then I will teach transgressions Your ways,
And sinners shall be converted to You.
Psalm 51: 12-13
Use this. Use your pain, your grief, your freedom, your transformation to comfort others.
I wrote this series on failure and shame because I struggled so much with it myself. As I conquer, I want you to be victors, too.
This is what I love about a redeeming God: He wastes nothing.
Your failure, whether by intentional sin or a painful error, is redeemable in Christ. He gathers the broken shards and makes beautiful jars that can be filled up with Christ and poured out on other broken hearts.
You are now commissioned with suffering and dressed in the armor of God. Wage war, my friends. Defend the broken hearted, build her up, beautify the face of tears with the compassion you’ve learned- and earned – through failure.