This is Day 4 of a five-day study on overcoming the shame of failure so you can put the past behind you. Missed a day? No problem! Jump to any day of the devotional using the menu below.
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Overcome failure and put the past behind you by working through the five stages of recovery: Denial/Ducking, Shame, Repentance, Grief and Recovery. Let’s dive into day 4, where we explore being still with our Grief.
Day 4
Stage: Grief
Read: 2 Samuel 12, Psalm 51
Wouldn’t it be lovely if repentance were the end of the journey?
With our spirits restored, renewed, and rested in God, we conquered failure. That’s what I want. Cue the band and march in a victory parade.
But a victory parade can’t erase the wounds of the battlefield. Even after we’ve come through sin/failure and received forgiveness and restoration through repentance, we still need to grieve our loss.
Whether we’ve failed by sinning or failed by making a choice that didn’t work out, we’ve experienced loss. Loss of opportunity, loss of time, loss of self-confidence, loss of relationships, loss of fellowship with God.
Skipping our period of grief doesn’t excuse us from the grief, it only hides it under a blanket of denial.
A time of grief is a chance to pause and to take account.
Perhaps you’re living through natural consequences. Repentance restored your relationship with God, but didn’t patch over the broken parts of your life.
Maybe you had an affair, and your husband is proceeding with a divorce.
Maybe you made a poor choice about your college major and you’re working in data entry instead of interior design. The road to your dream job stretches far into the distance.
Maybe you retreated from godly leadership of your family and retreated into affirmation from your job. Now your teenagers curse at you and dabble in drugs or promiscuity when what they needed was their father.
Repentance is restoration and a new beginning. But grief acknowledges reality and allows you to process your feelings. It’s okay not to like the consequences. They stink! Admit it and grieve.
King David was confronted with consequences before he even had a chance to repent. God had already decided on David’s consequences before Nathan knocked on the door.
“Thus says the LORD: ‘Behold, I will raise up adversity against you from your own house; and I will take your wives before your eyes and give them to your neighbor, and he shall lie with your wives in the sight of this sun. For you did it secretly, but I will do this thing before all Israel, before the sun.’ ” So David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the LORD.” And Nathan said to David, “The LORD also has put away your sin; you shall not die. However, because by this deed you have given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also who is born to you shall surely die.”
2 Samuel 12:11-14 NKJV
What David did in secret had public ramifications and gave occasion to God’s enemies to ridicule the Lord.
Our failures start in secret, as a thought in the heart or a desire of the soul, and spread like ripples in a pond.
We can’t undo the pain, reverse the hurt, or put away the consequences. We need to grieve.
Grief can be ugly. Let it be. Grief can be quiet. Let it be. Grief can be frustrating. Let it be.
Above all, let yourself be still in the grief. Too often we fill up the empty spaces, the painful spaces, with doing instead of being.
David therefore pleaded with God for the child, and David fasted and went in and lay all night on the ground…So David arose from the ground, washed and anointed himself, and changed his clothes; and he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped.
2 Samuel 12: 16, 20a NKJV
Grief is like bookends: there’s a beginning and an end. In between lies the grace to just be still and feel your loss.
How to Grieve Well
- Name the loss: What has this failure cost you? What have you lost?
- Name your feelings: Injustice? Humiliation? Confusion? Anger?
- Get support: Bounce your thoughts and feelings off a trusted friend, counselor, or family member. Talking activates different pathways in your brain versus thinking or writing, so talking may help you process your grief in a different yet healthy way. You could also seek support in an online forum, such as a Facebook group.
- Be kind to yourself: Be patient with yourself as you go through the grief process. No one else can tell you how you should feel, so don’t let them. And don’t beat yourself up if grieving takes longer than you expected.
- Worship: David rose from the ground, washed his dirty face and changed his stinky clothes, and went to the house of the Lord to worship. Worship is a sacred connection between you and God. It has power to bleed away pain and lift the soul to new heights. Now more than ever, cling to the lifeline of worship. God is good, and He is good to you.
- Reflect: Take stock of where you are in life. Where do you want your life to go? What people can help you grow? What relationship problems are holding you back? What do you keep hearing everywhere and wonder if it’s a message for you? What do you want to receive from this grieving process? Besides answering guided questions, give yourself time to free write whatever comes into your mind. Those tangents can lead to trails that follow paths back to your heart.
- Give yourself hope: Grief will end. Life goes on, and you’re going with it. Ask yourself: what do I want from this pain? What good has already come into my life? How can I use this failure experience to help myself? To serve others? How do I want to feel about myself?
- Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23 NKJV
- Throw a party: After you complete the final step – Recovery – throw a Goodbye Hello Party. How often have we moved into a new season of life, or completed an important life event (graduating from college, first real job, bye bye to bad boyfriend), without saying goodbye? How often have we welcomed new beginning – a baby, a new job, empty nest – without marking the occasion? Now you have permission to say Goodbye and Hello. Have fun!
Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3: 22-23 NKJV
- Throw a party: After you complete the final step – Recovery – throw a Goodbye Hello Party. How often have we moved into a new season of life, or completed an important life event (graduating from college, first real job, bye bye to bad boyfriend), without saying goodbye? How often have we welcomed new beginning – a baby, a new job, empty nest – without marking the occasion? Now you have permission to say Goodbye and Hello. Have fun!
