I love self-help books.
When relationships are going off the rails, then you’ll find me at the library digging through the 742 stacks (that’s Dewey Decimal system for the self-help relationship books).
If you were hiding behind my couch, spying on me as I pored over the pages, you’d see me nodding and “ah”-ing and getting motivated. In 80,000 words, the author has given me what I want: a formula, a prescription, for fixing my limp-noodle relationships. Bold headlines, bulleted lists of to-dos. I soak them up.
But before Dr. Laura kicked my married booty, another Teacher gave us a formula for healthy relationships. It even has a section on dealing with enemies – and sometimes our enemies are those we love the most, right?
In Luke chapter 6, Jesus has just selected His twelve closest disciples and begins to teach them, along with the massive crowds who accompany His group. After the beatitudes, which are poetic and symbolic, Jesus gets practical.
Verses 27-31: “But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you. To him who strikes you on the [one] cheek, offer the other also. And from him who takes away your cloak, do not withhold [your] tunic either. Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask [them] back. And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise.”
Be kind to people even when they’re unkind to you. If someone hits you, don’t hit back. In fact, pray for that person. I’m a non-confrontational person, but if someone hits me, then my adrenaline’s going to surge and my fight-or-flight instincts are going to kick in. Turn the other cheek is not the plan. When my feelings are hurt, I want to hurt back, not to offer up my tender heart for another wound.
Jesus’s instruction requires us to do the opposite of how our human nature, our sin nature, urges us to respond. How can we do this? We must submit our will and our emotions to the Holy Spirit to make holiness a habit when we react. Once we submit our natural responses to the Holy Spirit, we begin to see that our “enemy” is not much different than we were before Christ saved us. If you were anything like me, that “old me” is a pitiful creature. And a pitiful creature is hard to hate.
Now, let’s take down our enemy once and for all: pray for her. Nothing can quench the fires of our anger like praying for our enemy. Prayer draws on cool streams of living water that douse our irritation and soothe our pain. I’ve tried it and it works. Now I dare you to do it.
Verses 32-35: “But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend [to those] from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back.”
It’s seems obvious, doesn’t it? Jesus points out that even sinners do good to other sinners. Yet how often do we react by comparing how much we’ve received from someone before we decide how much we’ll offer in return? We barter affection, kind words, house chores, extra errands, and the last of the ice cream. How are we any different?
We know we’re bartering when we keep score.
If you wanted me to pick up bread at the store, why didn’t you put my laundry in the dryer when I asked?
I don’t want to hold your hand because you hurt my feelings.
Meet me in the middle, honey.
Marriage is prime territory for bartering. We want our spouse to meet us in the middle, give a little, pick up his socks before we’ll pack his lunch. And there’s nothing wrong with sharing responsibilities or desiring a cooperative relationship. As long as we aren’t making it the price for every common kindness in our relationship. This is not permission to be abused, but license to dispense extra grace anywhere it’s needed. And it’s usually needed.
Verse 35. “But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil.”
Actually, I would rather be kind to someone who appreciates my effort, or at least doesn’t disdain me. But God is kind to people who don’t thank Him. He is gracious to those who not only ignore His outstretched hand but spit in His face. Or tear out His beard. Or crucify Him on a cross. Jesus is commanding us to do nothing more than “repeat after Me.” In all things, He is our example. When we obey Him, we resemble Christ a little more.
Take a chance. Go beyond.
- When your sister says “you only married him because no one else wanted you,” then go beyond: respond to cutting comments with kind words. King Solomon wrote that a kind word turns away wrath (Proverbs 15:11). And sometimes, that wrath is your own anger being turned into something holy.
- When your gesture of reconciliation is snubbed, go beyond: don’t throw up your hands in resignation, but be patient and try again later.
- When you pray for your friend’s salvation but years pass with no softening of heart, go beyond: keep knocking on God’s door and trust that He hears and sees- no prayer is wasted.
Verse 36-38: “Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful. Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.”
This is another command with a promise, like the commandment to honor our parents so we may live long on the earth (Exodus 20:12). Forgive and be forgiven; don’t judge and we won’t be judged; don’t condemn others and we will go free, too. We don’t want to be condemned or judged, but forgiven.
However, sometimes it’s easier to have mercy on ourselves than on others. Why? Because we know our own motives and feelings behind our unlovely behavior, and we give ourselves a break. We remember how we were having a tough day, dealing with an autistic child’s meltdown (that would be me), or overwhelmed with errands and chores, or trying to shake off another subtle criticism from Mr. Grouchy (whoever your Mr. Grouchy might be). A lawyer would call these “mitigating circumstances.”
No, our circumstances never justify sin, but they can inspire compassion. Our heavenly Father sees what we can’t see in the hearts of people who hurt us. Now He’s asking each of us to trust Him by treating others the way we want Him to treat us.
The great – and undeserved – result is that we will receive back our righteousness in full measure from a God who doesn’t forget our contributions. Nothing we do for the Lord is wasted; our generosity is not lost into a vacuum – it is reflected back to us like a mirror. He forgets our sins, but remembers our sacrifices.
Jesus’s relationship principles are simple, but not easy. Relationships are hard work – even good relationships. Reforming our responses to harsh words, hurt feelings, unintended slights, belittling actions, the cold shoulder, and even outright hostility will always be arduous work. I stopped in the middle of writing this blog post to repent. My reactions and words to people in my life were wrong, no matter how those people wronged me. Me and God. You and God. That’s the relationship we nurture most when wait just a little longer before responding and consider our reactions so we can honor God. It’s not easy work, but it’s a labor of love that pays dividends.
Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash