If you feel like you’re waiting for your life to start, then you need to get intentional. Try these 10 powerful steps to transform your life.
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“I feel like I’m waiting for my life to start.”
This was my mantra, my complaint, and my worry as I meandered my way through my teens and 20s.
Wasn’t there more to life than this? I was disappointed, desperate, and in denial. Weeks and months passed as I tapped my foot impatiently, waiting for the good life to show up.
Do you ever feel like you’re waiting for your life to start?
It can feel like we’re just standing around, accepting whatever life lobs at us, acquiescing to the mediocre, mundane and boring. Like a boat that’s lost its sail, we can feel blown about by winds we can’t control.
Life happens to us, not for us.
Waiting, Standing. Accepting. Blown about. Helpless. If you, like me, have often felt like you’re waiting for your life to start, then you need to kill these words.
These words describe a victim who feels powerless to create a life she loves, direct her family toward closeness and joy, teach her kids to love God with all their hearts, save a faltering marriage, or write the book God has written in her heart. We need to get intentional.
Intentional living is proactive, not reactive.
Intentional living is purposeful.
If you want this to be your year of transformation – spiritual, physical, career, family, relationships – then intentional living is the key.
You and I can kick start our own lives.
1. The mindset of transformation
Do you want to be healthier, slimmer, more active? Or do you dream of growing your hobby into a business? Maybe you want to fall in love with your husband again. Are these good goals? Absolutely. Is it wrong to chase after a joyful, purposeful, satisfying life? Absolutely not.
But we’re selling ourselves short if we fail to focus on our higher purpose.
God created us to experience and enjoy love, achievement, relationships, health, food, sex and the pleasures of life in a holy way. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to excel. But for what purpose?
Let me offer you my interpretation of why we should seek a transformed life: To become the person God created us to be.
Let God lead our transformation. We can trust that He’ll make us more into our true selves than we could ever do on our own.
Do we want to use our gifts and talent? He gave us those gifts. As a good Father, He’s proud to watch us grow into our abilities.
Do we want to reignite the love in our marriage? God is the author of marriage and love. His character embodies love. Bringing you and your husband together better reflects the perfect union of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Remember, we are made in His image.
Do you want to be healthier? God created you, His treasured child, and wants you to care for your body (His temple) so you can fully participate in His work.
A transformed life begins with surrendering our life to the only One who can truly change us.
The apostle Paul wrote to the church in Corinth: But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord. 2 Corinthians 3:18 NKJV
When we became believers in Christ, a process began: Sanctification. Little by little, God strips away whatever draws us away from Him. Bit by bit, He adds Christ-likeness to us. Day to day, we become more like Jesus.
Now gather those dreams and desires and take the first step toward your best life. We’ll begin by giving those dreams away.
2. Give your desires to God.
A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps. Proverbs 16:9 NKJV
Before we make a plan for intentional living, let’s give those intentions back to the One who is the source of our lives – God.
His plans are perfect. Laying our goals before the Lord allows us to move forward with peace, purpose, and passion knowing we have the Lord’s blessing. Obedience unlocks God’s power in our lives to move our plans from a flicker of hope to a full-blown transformed life.
Ask for permission, not just blessing. Asking for blessings on plans we’ve already decided tells God that we’d like his encouragement but we’re going to move forward even without it. This is a mistake I’ve made all too often.
One sign that we’re avoiding permission is that we don’t want to ask permission. Have you ever avoided asking your mom, boss, or friend to do something because you suspected the answer would be “no”? We can easily fall into this trap with God.
If you’re worried that God’s answer may be “no”, then pray for God to help you accept His decision and feel peace. Remember, God is for us. He knows what’s best for our future because He holds the future.
A resounding “no” may be one of God’s greatest gifts to you.
3. Listen to your heart.
May He grant you according to your heart’s [desire], And fulfill all your purpose. Psalm 20:4 NKJV
What are your deepest desires? What do you long to know, have, or accomplish in your life and family? What do you enjoy doing? What life tasks and responsibilities inflict dread? What bores you?
What causes tension for your family? What practical issues, like finances, need addressing? What patterns are revealing themselves in your life and family?
Write down anything you can think of, then prioritize your list.
Let me tell you what I like about becoming more Christ-like: our wishes and dreams often mirror Christ’s. We become like Him to the point where we naturally want what He wants.
If you want to serve God through writing, then it may be God’s will working in your heart to have that desire. The Bible says that we can prove what God’s will: And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:2
If you know you want to get your finances in order so you can honor God with your money, then perhaps God has put that urge in your heart. Just remember to bring everything to God in prayer and compare your desires to God’s Word: He will never contradict His Word or give you a desire for something immoral.
Once you’ve written your list, it’s time to tell a story.
4. Tell yourself a story.
Firm up your intentions with a fun visualization exercise.
Take one of your top intentions or goals and imagine it’s five years from now. Let’s say that your intention is to take your marriage from barely-roommates status to a vibrant, passionate partnership.
Find a quiet place free from distractions and close your eyes. Take a few deep, calming breaths. Imagine it’s five years from now and you and your husband have put in the hard work to get your marriage in shape. You’ve succeeded and your relationship is smoking hot. What does that look like to you?
Visualize the beginning of your day and use all of your senses. Where are you? Where is your husband? What does your bedroom look like? Do you wake up and smell coffee brewing because your husband decided to prepare your morning brew as a special treat?
Join him in the kitchen. What do you talk about? How does he look at you? What are you thinking about? Maybe you’re packing for a romantic weekend away. You’re both excited about the chance to talk uninterrupted, walk hand in hand on a wooded trail, and savor a sunset where no words are necessary.
Besides being a fun exercise, visualization helps train your brain to accomplish your goals. Neuroscience shows that the same areas of the brain are activated when we visualize doing something as when we actually do it.
And the more we visualize our goals, the more our subconscious brings those goals into our conscious thoughts. Who ever said daydreaming was a waste of time?
Do you have a vision? Now we’ll dig down to the heart of the matter to discover our Why.
5. Know your “Why”
Review your top intentions. Why are they important to you? Why do you want to make these goals? What is the benefit?
Make a list and write down everything that comes to mind. Now eliminate them one by one until you get to the one that grabs your heart – the one you just can’t cut from your list. That’s your Why.
Your Why is your deepest motivation to make your intentions into an actionable plan. And actionable plans become achievements.
For example, I’m focusing on parenting with intention so I’ve set a goal in this area: teach my kids to obey the first time, right away, with a good attitude.
Here is my random list of Why statements:
- Make parenting easier and less stressful
- Establish my loving authority as their parent so I can teach them other things in the future
- Shopping trips and visiting relatives will be smoother
- I’ll look like a competent mom to my parents and relatives (just being honest)
- Teach my boys that authority is normal so they won’t buck appropriate authorities like police
- Train them to become responsible dads
- They’ll learn more at school if they’re obedient to teachers
- How can they learn to trust and obey God if they don’t trust and obey their parents first?
The first Why and the last Why are most potent: 1. Make parenting easier and less stressful and 2. How can they learn to trust and obey God if they don’t trust and obey their parents first?
My primary family value is that God is the center of our lives, so my Why is a no-brainer: number 2. My boys’ eternal souls rank far above any other consideration or circumstance. I will teach them to obey the first time, right away, with a willing heart to prepare them to obey and love their Savior.
We’re going to need our Why to push past our resistance when the shiny new excitement of intentional living wears off. Believe me, life will conspire to derail your intentions and throw you off track.
Your Why is your weapon.
Draw out your weapon and prepare to take responsibility for it in our next step.
6. Take responsibility.
Intentional living extols us to take responsibility.
When we feel like our lives haven’t really begun or we’re just coasting along, we’ve failed to take responsibility.
We’ve sat back and waited for circumstances or other people to change and fulfill our desires. This is reactive living and will never bring us the vibrant life we crave.
If we want to change our story, then we must change our thinking.
Responsibility says, “This is my job. No one else can do this for me.”
Recently, I started cutting back on sugar. Over the last year, I had put on weight and caught myself buying candy after every errand. A job well done? Snack. A tough day? Snack. Bored? Snack! Finally, I had an honest talk with myself and took responsibility: No one else was going to cut back on sugar for me.
Circumstances were never going to be ideal to go through cravings; the time was now. In 10 years it wasn’t like I was going to be healthier if I didn’t change my eating habits. Rather, I was going to have 10 more years of unhealthy eating under my belt and my health would be that much worse.
Did you think it was your husband’s job to make you happy? Take responsibility: No one can make you happy but you and Jesus. Become intentional.
Did you believe that your kids should just obey you and then your home life would be peaceful? Take responsibility: It’s your job to teach your kids to obey. Children are naturally selfish and require training and nurturing to develop the character trait of willing obedience. Become intentional.
Are you bored and creatively stymied at work? Or at home (even we stay-at-home moms long for adult-level creativity and fulfillment)? Take responsibility: This is your life! Pray your heart out to God. Talk to trusted mentors. Read career books. Take an inventory of your talents, skills, and desires. Journal about your hopes and dreams. Interview or read about people who do the work you want to do. Then do it. Become intentional.
I did this a few years ago when I was frustrated to tears because I felt like I needed to use my creativity to serve the Lord even as I served my family at home. You are reading the results: I write, blog, and design. Creative itch? Scratched.
Now that we’ve taken responsibility for being intentional, we’re going to take a long view of our goals.
7. Think long-term: Your future self with thank you.
Intentional living plans for the future right now, knowing that tomorrow will one day be today.
Credit card companies encourage us to “buy now, pay later.” Yet for many of us, myself included, the future was the last thing on our minds as we swiped the card. Distracted by our shiny new whatever, we forgot that the future would eventually show up with a bill.
Just like the “buy now, pay later” promise of credit, we sometimes sabotage our future selves by making poor choices now.
Let’s put that train in reverse. Make choices now that will bring about and maintain the life you want one year from now, five years, ten years and counting.
Dr. John Townsend, a psychologist and author of popular self-help and relationship books such as Boundaries, regularly tries the following exercise. He describes it in more detail in The Entitlement Cure: Finding Success in Doing Hard Things the Right Way and I challenge you to try it.
The exercise is simple: Look at yourself in the mirror and imagine you’re talking to yourself 10 years from now. What would your future self thank you for doing now? What would older/wiser you wish you had done now but didn’t?
Take a sober look in the mirror and remember: unless you die in the interim, the future will arrive and bring your consequences – happy or aggravating – with it.
For example, my future self will thank me for cutting back on sugar. My older/wiser self has stabilized her weight and avoided diabetes. She can keep up with her teenagers(!) and writing and going on dates with her husband.
Or: my future self wishes I had cut back on sugar now. Her weight has creeped up and now she’s obese instead of overweight. Her back hurts, she rides the couch instead of walking around the lake with her boys, and her doctor says she’s pre-diabetic.
Which you would you choose?
We’ve taken the long view and now the fun begins as we break our intentions into real plans.
8. Make a plan.
The plans of the diligent [lead] surely to plenty, But everyone who is hasty, surely to poverty. Proverbs 21:5 NKJV
Devising goals then formulating a plan feels good, doesn’t it?
The sense of power and purpose when your goals leave the realm of your thoughts and are born into the physical word through the ink of your pen. Your future self is closer than ever.
Careful planning now will save you trouble later. When an entrepreneur prepares to form a business, she writes a business plan. She wants a successful, profitable business so she considers the market, evaluates the opportunity for her business to fulfill a market need, makes financial projections of costs and expected earnings, decides what team members are necessary to operate, and charts operational instructions. Diligent planning prepares her business to start strong and weather trouble.
Your life is far more important than a business.
Before you start working on your goals, develop a plan. Take time to research and gain information on the aspects of your goal.
If, for example, you want to transform a tepid marriage, you might research marriage counselors in your area. You may also scan reviews for the best marriage books to read. If marriage conferences are your thing, dig around until you find a few options. Perhaps you can pray for God to bring a marriage mentor into your life, such as an older couple whose relationship you admire. Knowledge is power.
Armed with knowledge, break your intentions into smaller actions and put them on your calendar. You’re much more likely to follow through if you schedule your activities.
Not all intentions lend themselves to scheduling. My intention of teaching my boys to obey the first time, right away, with a good attitude is hard to schedule. But I did sign up for a Family Life parenting class and I read Christian parenting blogs for godly advice. On a daily (sometimes moment to moment) basis, I consider how my actions are reinforcing or undermining my intentions.
If your intention can be scheduled, then by all means, do it! If you want to breath life into a dying marriage, schedule counseling. Then find a marriage conference, such as Family Life’s Weekend to Remember, and write it on your calendar. Pick a time each week to work on a marriage devotional with your husband.
Set up an accountability phone call weekly with a wise marriage mentor. Actions that move you toward your goals should be broken down by month, week, and day. Working daily on your goals, no matter how small the action, will encourage you to continue. And reward progress with a special treat.
With plans in hand, the hard work begins. Self-discipline will push us toward our goals when we want to quit, and discipline is a skill we can learn more easily than we think.
9. Discipline: It’s not as hard as you think
The word “self-discipline” makes me want to quit before I start. If God handed out measures of willpower, then He skipped me.
But what if I told you that willpower has little to do with self-discipline?
It was a surprise to me, too, but Dr. Townsend in his book The Entitlement Cure, writes that self-discipline has little to do with willpower and a lot to do with internal and external structure.
Intentional living requires self-discipline. The excitement of setting out on this transformational journey will flicker and fade.
As you cling to your Why for motivation, you’ll also rely on self-discipline to achieve your best life now.
Self-discipline is a process of internalizing new structure by thinking about and experiencing it over time, according to Dr. Townsend.
By following this process, we can develop the structure and habits that will transform our lives.
Develop new habits. Habits allow your brain to automate certain tasks, thereby using less energy and freeing you to focus on other tasks. Every time you construct a new habit, you are rewiring your brain. Habits are hard at first.
It seems like a monumental effort to remember to do this new thing. Your brain is reallocating energy to the new task which may crowd other things on your agenda. You quickly get overwhelmed and think about returning to your old ways, which were so much easier. Don’t give in to temptation!
Every time you perform the new task, such as walking past the candy racks at Target (me) instead of plucking a new bag of M&Ms, you add a little new wiring to your brain. Every time you walk past the candy rack, it gets a little easier. Your habit is forming. Then one day you notice that you walked past the M&Ms without a second thought. Habit accomplished.
Remember that self-discipline is a process of internalizing new structure by thinking about and experiencing it over time (thank you, Dr. Townsend). “Over time” is the key phrase. Time is your friend. Researchers say that it takes between three weeks and 66 days to form a new habit.
I think it’s closer to the longer date, but I noticed clear changes within three weeks of cutting back on sugar. But the longer you work on your new habit, the more likely it is to become a life change.
Know your Why. We discussed this earlier, but it also falls into the development of self-discipline. Your intention needs a deep Why. Motives matter in life and in transforming life through hard work. Your Why will keep the motivational fire burning.
One good way to keep your Why out there, in the way, and in your face is to create a printable phrase and hang it where you’ll see it often. Write your message, take a photo, and save it as your home screen on your cell phone. Print your Why message and frame it beautifully, or tack it under a clip board (yes, you can decorate it) for display. Keep your Why close by to infuse you with determination.
An external structure that includes a calendar. Dr. Townsend writes “an external structure is a framework of reminders and short-term goals that breaks time down into bite-sized elements.”
Dr. Townsend also highly recommends putting your intentions on a calendar and keeping your appointments with yourself. Your external structure may include hiring a trainer at the gym so you’ll show up, making weekly appointments with a marriage counselor, or going to Panera every Wednesday and banging out a few paragraphs on your book.
External structure is like a playground climbing frame, offering us a strong support as we advance toward our goal. It also serves as a fence, creating a boundary to prevent us from being overwhelmed by a goal that seems too big. Small, planned, structured steps that lead to a transformed life.
Relational support. We were never meant to go through life alone and we’ll need support and encouragement to meet our goals. Actively seek out a support system from trusted family and friends. Ask them to call you weekly to see how you’re doing. Your support partners should be encouraging and non-judgmental but also willing to hold you accountable. There is strength in numbers.
Recruit knowledge and seek information. We touched on this earlier, but whenever we’re doing something new, we need new information. Learn what you can about your intention. Watch interviews of experts on the topic, read blogs, scour books, talk to people who have done what you want to do. There’s no need to reinvent the wheel.
Not so bad, right? Self-discipline is just a process, one we can all pursue and develop. Once we get the hang of applying the process of self-discipline, we can easily apply it in other areas. Discipline will give you confidence as you seek to be more intentional.
And becoming intentional will transform your life.
10. Final step: Eyes on the prize
The final step of intentional living is one of encouragement: One day tomorrow will be today. One day your goal will be an achievement. One day the far away mountain will be yesterday’s hill.
Intentional parenting will reward you when your kids accept Christ and become godly, intentional parents to their own kids.
Intentional marriage will rescue you from the brink of divorce and have you both saying, “I’m so glad we didn’t quit. I can’t imagine life without you.”
Intentional health will free you from slavery to cravings and servitude to yo-yo diets.
Intentional writing will bring a reader to your signing table where she’ll say, “Thank you for writing this. It changed my life.”
Intentional budgeting and saving will hand you the keys to your own home. Step over the threshold and hang the hammock – it’s yours.
Don’t give up. You’ll get there. Become intentional.