This is the first post in a series about getting unstuck from shame and changing your story.
Randomly scrolling through Facebook, I paused at this post: “I’ve been a Christian for a while but I’m still deeply ashamed about my past. I feel stuck and useless.”
Although I rarely comment on stranger’s posts, I felt compelled to type out an answer. Afterward, this discouraged woman’s words still haunted my thoughts.
- How many of us cry out this complaint?
- How many of us live with an assault of disgust at our past, shuddering at the thought of God knowing us as we are?
- Is this your story? Do you feel like the past is pulling you back in the mud, never letting you wash it away for good? Taunted with thoughts like: Does God see me as dirty, too?
Do you know in your mind that you’re forgiven and free, but your heart feels soiled and stuck there?
If stuck in the muck is your story, you’re not alone.
There’s often a disconnect between what we feel and what we know. Between mind and heart.
People suffering from anxiety and phobias intimately know this breach between head knowledge and strong feelings. Although a phobic person’s fear may make no logical sense, and she acknowledges that, she’s still crippled with anxiety. Knowledge versus feelings. And feelings are winning.
Shame, like fear, is a tug-of-war between knowledge and feelings. And overcoming fear – changing our story – is a lot like mastering fear. Let me explain…
Fear is an old friend of mine.
I can trace our relationship back to childhood, but let me share a more recent battle with anxiety. After my youngest son was born in September 2015, I began to experience new stomach problems.
As someone who suffered from IBS, I was familiar with abdominal pain. But this was different. My symptoms were new and unpredictable, and I didn’t know what caused them or how to prevent attacks.
Since I couldn’t anticipate when trouble would arrive, I began to fear straying far from the house.
I was even afraid of situations that could delay me from speeding home if my stomach hurt. So traffic, long waits at traffic signals, tunnels, city driving, trips far from home where there was no respite, even delays at train tracks provoked anxiety. Soon I could barely drive the 10 minutes to Safeway.
Not content to leave me in peace at home, my fears intensified. I couldn’t relax. At night I worried about not being able to sleep or how my stomach might hurt in the morning. In the morning I worried about not being able to sleep at night because what if my symptoms popped up then?
There was no rest from worry day or night. Any stressful or violent scene in a movie sent me into a spiral as I overidentified with the fictional characters. Even books (my favorite form of entertainment) kicked anxiety into overdrive because I couldn’t read about being stuck in traffic without experiencing anxiety.
Yes, even reading about being trapped gave me anxiety. I was a mess.
The thought of living the life left ahead of me was overwhelming. I envied old people who were at the end of their lives. They didn’t have to be afraid for much longer.
Trying to manage my fears of being caught out with stomach pain, I cut back drastically on the places I went and how far I drove.
But as I grew more agoraphobic – afraid to leave the house – my fears got worse, not less. You’d think that by reducing my chances to have stomach pain at the store, or on the road to the mall, or sitting at McDonalds by staying home, that I would be calmer.
But no, my fear ballooned.
This is the typical path of a phobia.
Here’s the thing: My brain treated leaving the house as an emergency. But when I didn’t drive outside my comfort zone or go to my aunt’s house or take my son to a doctor’s appointment in downtown Washington, DC, I never gave my brain the chance to be proved wrong.
When we eliminate the chance for our minds to experience something and find out whether it’s true or not, then we never challenge our belief.
Our false belief remains on the throne.
Giving our fears and negative beliefs the opportunity to be proved wrong is called…experience. And experience is the greatest teacher.
- What does anxiety have to do with shame? I’ll get there. Bear with me.
Do you know how therapists treat anxiety and phobias? Exposure therapy. We could call it “experience therapy.”
Gradually, the feared object or situation is presented to the fearful person. Her brain experiences the fear but discovers – aha! – disaster did not strike! You did not die! Your worst fear did not come true! Little by little, as the anxious person experiences a scary situation and learns that the worst didn’t happen, the anxiety bleeds away.
Experience replaced a lie (unreasonable fear) with truth. No intellectual debate can accomplish what Experience can do.
If you’re still paralyzed with shame and embarrassment over your past, then you need experience therapy. You need to experience more of God. The Psalmist, King David, wrote:
Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him! Psalm 34:8 NKJV
Taste. See. That’s an experience of God.
I could argue with you all day long that if you’ve repented of your past, then God has forgiven you and you should shake off that shame like a wolf flinging water off his fur. But it wouldn’t work, would it?
Head knowledge won’t help. Your intellect and your feelings are disconnected; experience is the bridge between them.
Build that bridge by replacing those experiences of shame – the flashbacks where you relive your past, the upswell of disgust, the burden of discouragement – with experiences of God’s goodness.
Pray for specific experiences of His total forgiveness. Taste His mercy. See His grace. It’s time to get out of the classroom and get to work.
Yesterday I took my son to story time at the library and sat next to him on the alphabet carpet (I think I landed on M for Moose). We moved on to McDonald’s and swung our legs from his favorite lime green bar height seats. Then we drove 20 minutes into town for an appointment, and got almost every red light on route 301.
Two years ago I couldn’t do this, but today I’m free.
I lassoed my dragon and found him to be a mouse.
Recovery was a slow journey toward healing and freedom. Before I could shed my weight of anxiety – just as you can shed your load of shame – I had to get out into the real world, the world that frightened me, and experience the truth.
Yes, I could go to the store and not have pain.
Yes, I could drive 20 minutes to Waldorf, sit at a long traffic light, and have a calm heart rate.
Hmmmm…yes, I could visit my family in Virginia two hours away.
And I got practical help, too: a gastroenterologist prescribed medication for my stomach, and new IBS research taught me what foods to cut back or eliminate for improved symptoms.
Every new experience drove truth deeper into my heart. Stuck is no longer my story. Stuck is a mind game and it can’t play out in the world of experience.
Shame paralysis doesn’t have to be your story.
The true story: you are forgiven, free, accepted, and wanted.
Now harness that knowledge and add experience to it: Taste and see that the Lord is good, and that He is good to you.
Experience God’s goodness, forgiveness, and acceptance and watch shame, like anxiety, transform your dragon into a mouse.
Next time we’ll dig even deeper into overcoming shame, so check back soon!