1 John 3:18 “My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth.”
How many of us are living lies, and don’t know it?
Too many stay-at-home moms – and women who want to stay home – get trapped by misinformation about the stay-at-home lifestyle. Dreams and reality don’t match. Courageous moms lose their vision. Why did we think we could be content, fulfilled, and purposeful?
Because we believed the myths.
Don’t let these eight myths steal your joy and open the door to disillusionment.
Let’s unmask these untruths and take back our stay-at-home serenity.
Myth #1: I’m going to lose my identity.
Many women worry about losing their identity when they have children or leave the workplace to be a stay-at-home-mom. Will I lose “me” when I become “mommy”? We even give up our names and become the universal “mommy” instead of Janet or Margaret or Joyce. The Little Black Dress is hung in the closet to die, replaced by a t-shirt. Accolades from co-workers are lost in the mire of the 12,356th dish you just washed.
New acquaintances ask us, “So, what do you do?”
To which we reply, “Actually, I stay home with my kids.” As if that wasn’t work.
It’s easy to feel like the rich tapestry of our “selves” has frayed at the edges.
Well, as a SAHM, let me assure that I’m still me and you will still be you. If you loved crocheting and watching B-list sci-fi action movies, you’ll still want to whip up scarves and watch sharks fly in the wind when you’re a full-time mom. Granted, you’ll squeeze knitting into the precious gap of naptime, and sharks may tumble in the wind with little ones on your lap. But everything you brought into this new life is still yours.
Here are a few tips to put “me” back into “motherhood”:
Know your “why”
Your “why” is your source of motivation. It instantly prioritizes the choices you make as a SAHM. Take a few minutes to write down your “why” statement. Here’s mine: I’m raising men to God and making our home a sanctuary to God’s goodness. Our “why” brings our values, talents, and purpose into harmony. Who I am as a person feeds my “why” and helps me live it out to the fullest.
Your “why” gives your daily mom life meaningfulness. If we only looked at our day as an endless repetition of tasks – dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, diaper changes, cuddles, etc., – it’s easy to lose meaningfulness and get discouraged. But our “why” gives us a path to follow, a long-range plan against which the ordinariness of our lives grows into an eternal legacy. What we do as moms will affect our little ones. We’ll never get paid for it with cash in the bank, but we’ll be rewarded with children who love the Lord and take that love into their own homes as adults.
You’re a SAHM because you’re a visionary.
Find your tribe. Make friends with other moms. Get out, talk, rejoice together, have fun. And if you loved your former paid work, find Facebook groups focusing on topics you’re passionate about. I’m part of an active group for autism moms and it’s been a source of encouragement and inspiration, both given and received. Ditto for hobbies. Join that crochet club or sharks-in-the-wind movie fan club.
Myth #2: I can’t afford it
Finances. Groan. Money affects whether you stay home and focus on the kids, or if you remain in your career when you’d rather be home. I get it.
Maybe you can’t afford it right now, but here are a few things that can get you started on the road to home: (Thanks to the blogging moms who supplied many of these ideas in some form.)
Pretend you only have one income, even if you both work. Save your salary and see if you can survive on one income. You’ll soon figure out where you can trim expenses and if your working hubby may need to increase his income. Hold onto your saved salary as an emergency fund for when you’re finally home full-time. Yay!
Get ruthless with expenses. You knew this was coming. You won’t need such a high income if you don’t spend as much. Decide what it’s worth for you to raise your kids yourself, and start chopping. Trade in cars for less expensive models, and consider going down to one car if feasible. Cut cable tv and use Netflix. Condense your errands and save on gas. Cook at home and save a bundle of money. Look for inexpensive and free options for family fun. You can find many budget-friendly ideas on Pinterest. Happy hunting.
Move. Housing is probably your biggest expense, so consider selling your house to buy a smaller home. If you’re renting, look for less expensive options in a less desirable but safe area. And if you’re living in an expensive location, like me, you can be drastic and move to a more affordable area. Are you single? Do you know another responsible single mom you could house share with?
Pay off consumer debt. Get financially fit by reducing the amount you spend paying off credit each month. As you prepare to stay at home full-time, get rid of as much debt as possible.
Look for work-at-home opportunities. You probably started here first if your job had a telecommuting option. Just remember that it’s challenging to work at home full-time and care for kids; one or the other will suffer. My aunt was a single mom who wanted to stay home with her son, so she started a daycare business. As it turned out, she was gifted at working with children. And she was able to pay rent in our expensive area and pay her bills, too. Later on, she even started a home improvement business! It allowed her to be home with her child and homeschool him when trouble brewed at school.
If you’re single or your family just can’t make your stay-at-home dream a reality any time soon, don’t give up. Pray about it. Fast for it. Let your request be known to God. I think God is all for moms raising their kids at home. And He will bless the desire of your heart. Tell friends and family about your goal to leave your career to stay home. Ask your church to pray for you. You may be surprised how life and the Lord conspire to give you your heart’s desire.
Financially speaking, I shouldn’t be able to be a full-time mom. Thank God for my parents who believed in the value of keeping me home. We survive because my husband, two boys, and I live with my parents while my husband grows his leather import business. My autistic son receives SSI (a type of disability income) that helps us care for him and offer him experiences we couldn’t otherwise afford. The food supplement program brings in groceries. My student loans are on Income-based Repayment Program, which defers payments for now. Birthday gifts last year and this year keep this blog online. We expect this living situation to be temporary, and we’re so grateful that I can be home with my boys. So if I can do it, so can you! God bless you.
Myth #3: Most moms keep a perfect home. Don’t they have all the time in the world?
As moms, we get caught up in the idea that we’re at home to take care of the house. Yes, dishes to hold our meals and clean underwear and a couch you can actually see once the laundry is done – is a priority. But not the highest priority.
In our homes, people come first.
That means looking after our children, encouraging our husbands, and taking some “me time” to recharge.
So how clean should our houses be? Here’s my rule: if you could relax in it with guests, it’s good enough. I added “guests” because many of us could relax in a pig sty but wouldn’t subject our guests to it.
So ask yourself and your husband (and even older children) what must get done so everyone can relax. For my family, a decently clean kitchen and kids’ toys picked up off the floor and dirty laundry in baskets, and the worst of the dirt vacuumed into oblivion. Maybe our standards are low, but hey, it works for us. What works for you?
If you make a list but realize that you need a major house cleaning, then try speed cleaning. You can clean an average-size house in about two hours. After that, it’s just maintenance.
For speed cleaning tips, check out my post: How to Clean Your Home Super Fast so You can Rest on Sunday
Remember, the house is for the people, not the people for the house. What our kids will remember about growing up in our homes is our positive attitude, welcoming spirit, and genuine love. It’s what will draw them back to us time and again. It’s what they’ll emulate in their own homes.
Myth #4: I won’t need help. After all, this is my full-time job, so why do I need help?
This insidious thought sometimes comes from well-meaning husbands. Anyone who doesn’t do what you do all day will have trouble imaging all the little things you accomplish as a full-time mom. When hubby stays home to watch the kids, that all he does: watch the kids. And maybe make peanut butter sandwiches.
People who work outside the home get sick leave, vacation time, personal days and even family medical leave. And evenings and weekends off. Yet we have this idea that we’ll never need help because our family and homes are our job. It won’t work. You’ll get sick. You’ll get worn out. You’ll want some time alone with your man.
Even moms with well-organized homes, effective schedules, and mild-mannered obedient kids (if that’s you, you’re welcome to give me some tips) need a break. And guess what? You’ll need a break every day. Shocking, isn’t it?
Here are a few tips:
Establish mommy break time with your kids. It’s natural for small children to be self-focused and unaware of others’ needs, but after a certain age (over 2 or so), we can train our kids to learn that we need rest because we’re tired. Kids will learn compassion and empathy for others early on. Set up kids with quiet activities that don’t require heavy supervision. Let them know how long quiet time will last, and program a timer if it helps. When it’s over, reward quiet time with a fun activity.
Get your husband on board a few nights a week. Even if your husband works full-time, he can still give you some alone time while he hangs out with the kids. Little ones need to know that daddy can take care of them, too. It’s a great bonding experience for daddy and kids, and you’ll get time alone with a book, or a rollercoaster, if that’s your thing.
If you’re single, consider trading babysitting with a friend. She might be grateful for a few hours out of the house, too.
Live near family and let them babysit. This is how I get away from the house alone every now and then. My husband travels a lot, so my parents have been life savers. My kids adore grandma and grandpa and everyone has a great time. Good family relationships contribute enormously to our happiness, so live near family if you can.
Go to church. You probably already attend services, but let me take this opportunity to thank my church for welcoming my kids. On so many Sundays, I could barely drag my sorry self through the door. Yet they always made a place for my autistic son and my toddler. My kids are happy and learning with trusted volunteers while I decompress from the week and open my spirit to God. And every few weeks I listen to the sermon on tv monitors in the lobby so I can relax in a comfy chair with a snack. It really blesses me, and it will bless you, too.
Myth #5: My kids are all the company I need.
My kids are my cutest friends, but they can’t fulfill all of my emotional needs. We need opportunities to share our lives and blabber about nothing with an adult who gets it. In the typical neighborhood in the 1950s, most moms stayed at home and the streets were filled with children playing. Moms could chat together – celebrating, commiserating, and getting life done at home. Now neighborhoods empty of mothers and kids as the former heads to work and the latter goes to school or daycare. It gets pretty quiet in my neighborhood, let me tell you.
Many men get their yapping done at work, and may not engage in lengthy conversations with us at the end of the day when they’re tired. And guys (as much as they love us) may not be as skilled at “sharing” as we are. Marriages might be happier if we diverted some of our conversational needs away from husbands and kids, and into fellow women who have walked a mile or two in our shoes.
Lesson: make some female friends and go talk about stuff.
Myth #6: This is all I’ll be doing for the rest of my life.
Every phase of life can feel like the only one. “I’ll be changing diapers forever.” “I can’t wait for him to get out of elementary school.” “The terrible two’s? Ha! Try the terrible teens.”
Maybe you left a career you enjoyed for the greater work of raising godly, healthy little people. But that career isn’t necessarily gone for good, it’s just gone for now.
One day we’ll buy our last pack of diapers. One day we’ll put away the Thomas the Train shirt for the last time. One day we’ll drive her to practice for the last time because it’s time to hand over the keys. Yes, there’s a first time for everything. And a last.
Embrace whatever stage you’re in. Fleeting, flowing, and mercurial phases of life might be the ones we wish we had again once they’ve passed. It would be a shame to always want whatever has gone behind or lies ahead without being content in the moment. Because we can count on the moment changing.
Myth #7: I feel so guilty I can’t serve in the church.
We’ve all heard of mom guilt, but now there’s church guilt. For me, this pops up when I see the same two nursery workers month in and month out. Or during outreach at a neighborhood school. Even at a potluck when I can’t help clean up.
I said it in a previous post, but home is our kids’ first church. Parenting is our primary mission. Getting a babysitter a few times is not a problem, but regularly displacing our kids to child care so we can volunteer just passes our job to someone else. The church is made up of diverse members so we can fill in where others leave gaps. Let the retirees, empty nesters, and teens serve in those busy roles. The children’s ministry director at my church has never once, in three years, asked me to serve. I ADORE her.
Right about now someone might wonder, “Should I volunteer in the nursery since my child is there?” That’s up to you. If you love working with children and it refreshes you, then enjoy. But for me, church service time is a chance for me to unwind from the week, put my thoughts on the Lord, and worship. Volunteering in children’s ministry would stretch me thin after a busy week with my boys.
If you have little ones at home like me (I consider my autistic six-year-old to be a little one because of how much care he needs), let the church serve you. They are usually delighted to do so. When your kids are old enough to serve alongside you, then volunteer with joy.
Myth #8: I will always love being a SAHM. I dreamed of it for so long.
My stay-at-home fantasies started early, with a tide of princesses showing me how lovely it would be to fall in love and live happily ever after. It’s a tough dream to shake off. Even when real life showed up, it’s still what I wanted. Although I didn’t know for certain what I should choose as a major in college, I knew without a doubt that I wanted to be a wife and mom. And I am! Thank you, Lord.
But sometimes, I daydream about a different life. A life where there’s more of me for me. When this feeling strikes, I start digging around the library for novels about women who move to Victorian houses on the coast of Maine. These women make jewelry and sell it at beach markets and eat baguettes and chocolate. Money isn’t an issue. Selling hemp and beads covers the cost of upkeep and repairs on a 3,000 square-foot fixer upper. This is my escape fantasy-what’s yours?
In even the best life, you’ll have times when you want to quit. You can love it, but you’ll never love it all the time.
When we fantasize about our perfect stay-at-home life, we imagine the best parts. Happy kids, doting man, outings for ice cream, big smiles, birthday parties, walks at twilight. It’s human nature. The boring, dirty, discouraging, sleepless, struggling, frugal bits get shoved in the background.
You won’t always love staying home to raise a family. And that’s okay. Don’t bother with the mom guilt. Instead, take it as a sign that you need refreshment. Get away for a few days with your husband, if possible, or a few hours out of the house ALONE. Read a book. Do something you enjoy.
Recharge so you can rejoin with family with a cup that runneth over.
Do any of these stay-at-home mom myths sound familiar? Even seasoned moms can fall prey to these untruths. If you’re discouraged, worn thin, frustrated, and thinking of giving up and going back to work, consider if you’ve subconsciously adopted any of these myths. Then declare the truth and gouge out the lies.
We are visionaries, ladies.