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Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6 NKJV).
While that’s not a promise from God, it’s good advice. We want the best for our kids, right? But sometimes when we have kids, we realize that we have to finish raising ourselves!
Why is that? Sometimes we need to break free of generational habits we picked up from childhood. We can be chain breakers.
We can rewrite our family tree.
When I took a long, hard look at my broken places, weak spaces, failures and flaws, I saw opportunity.
Opportunity to set my boys free from anything that could hinder them from becoming all-in Christ followers.
Opportunity to nurture godly men, Kingdom workers, thriving employees, devoted husbands, generous givers, and invested fathers. This is my small gift to their future.
This is a list of things I’m doing differently.
1: It’s okay to love your job.
Being a martyr to your job is not a fruit of the spirit. People thrive in employment where their strengths, skills, and values meet.
None of us want our kids to grow up to be men and women who dread the alarm clock on Monday morning. Adults who live for the weekends and need therapy to continue month after month. Yet so many people live this way.
But we live in the best time in history to choose a career perfectly tailored for our strengths, skills, and values. It’s honorable and right to take any job we can get to feed our families. Our kids need to develop that character, too.
But our child can be a gift to the world when we pay attention to what she’s good at, what she enjoys, and what she believes in. Too often we get stuck in the mindset that hobbies are hobbies, and real jobs are real jobs and never the twain shall meet.
Growing up, I loved to draw and make crafts. Writing skills bloomed from childish poetry to halfway decent essays (Thank you Daughters of the American Revolution for the top essay prize: $100). Years later, I’m a blogger and t-shirt designer. I’m also a mom and a homemaker. Everything I wanted to be. It’s me, and I love it. Confession: I don’t make much money at this (yet!) but stay tuned…
- Pay attention to our kids’ hobbies and skills. Talk to kids about how these interests can be used as a job. Train them to think of hobbies and strengths as marketable skills. My nephew draws clever, dynamic scenes of firetrucks rushing to action, tanks streaming into battle, helicopters rescuing stranded hikers from forest fires. His drawings have a sense of movement and action that shows real artistic promise. He also devours video games. Surprise, surprise. So sometimes I talk to him about doing well in school so he can grow up to be a game designer or a Lego engineer.
- Resources: Strengths Explorer for Kids. I highly recommend testing your kids (and yourself) with StrengthsFinder. There is a version for both adults and kids ages 10 to 14. This test and short book will help you explore your top strengths and show you how to find the best match between your strengths and your work environment. The premise is that we should focus on our strengths rather than expend energy shoring up our weaknesses. I also recommend a spiritual gifts test: The Spiritual Gifts Test – Youth Version (disclosure: I haven’t taken this specific test myself.)
2: “Tell Me More” Talks
“Tell Me More” by Kelly Corrigan. While I don’t agree with Mrs. Corrigan on everything, this book of essays taught me a better way to talk to my kids (when they’re older, anyway).
Too often we’re fixer moms. My mom’s a fixer mom to this day. She’s a warrior waiting for a battle. We think of all the clever retorts our wounded kids should say, the “I’ll show them” actions that would teach those friends of his how to treat our boy, etc.
But sometimes our kids just need to be heard. Really heard.
A “Tell Me More” talk goes like this:
Son: “Mom, I’ve practiced five times more than those other guys, but coach put Blake on the field and kept me on the bench. I don’t know if this is going to work out.”
Mom: “Tell me more.”
Son: “Coach said I was one of the best. I’ve worked hard enough, that’s for sure. I’m there five minutes before everyone else, and I push myself in training. It’s like coach doesn’t care.”
Mom: “You’re feeling unappreciated because you’ve worked so hard but your coach overlooked you and put Blake in the game.” (This is reflecting back your child’s feelings.) “What else?” (This is like saying “tell me more.”)
Son: “Yeah, I don’t understand it. Why should I practice so hard if it doesn’t matter?”
Mom: “You’re frustrated about being all in when your effort seemed to go unnoticed by your coach.”
Son: “It’s not fair. But Blake is struggling, too. Maybe coach put him in the game because he needs the practice. I don’t know. Anyway, thanks for listening. I’ve got to get ready for practice. See you after school?”
Not every problem requires mom to the rescue. Before we break out the toolbelt, we need to put on our listening ears.
Another benefit of “tell me more” talking is that it gives you time to respond when you don’t know how to answer. Our kids’ questions and hurts can catch us off guard, but “tell me more” listening gives us time to consider our response and offer wisdom.
3: Talk about praying. Then pray about things. Don’t assume your kids know you seek God. Show them how God leads you in decisions.
No matter how many hours we pray for our kids, if our kids don’t see it, hear us talk about, and watch us lead in prayer, then they won’t pick up the habit of prayer.
When problems pop up – and they always do – is our first response to run to God, or to intellectually reason it out or run away with our feelings? Okay, we may not hit our knees in prayer when our cable box loses signal. But in confusing situations, people problems, major decisions, life choices, and painful moments, let’s talk to our Father first.
Don’t we want our kids to see God as the source of hope, power, and provision? Prayer is our first weapon. Let’s teach our kids to use it.
4: No dating.
I was sure that at 16 I would acquire a gorgeous boyfriend who would be the perfect husband as soon as we reached marriageable age. Those cute cartoon movies produced by the Kingdom in Florida promised it would be so. The pretty princesses were always 16, remember?
I believed that dating should be begin at 16 and quickly lead to happily ever after. Now I’m throwing that hogwash out of the window.
We take dating way too casually in our society. Dating isn’t for fun – it’s preparation for marriage. Dating is being intentional about choosing a life partner.
That’s weighty work for a fourteen-year-old, right? My boys won’t be allowed to date until they’re old enough to get married: 18. Because, let me tell you, teenagers are fully capable of living like they’re married when they aren’t even old enough to say vows. My mom has been a labor and delivery nurse and, later, a midwife for over 40 years. She’s cared for pregnant twelve-year-old girls who were still 12 when they gave birth.
Teens have adult feelings. A young lady dumped by her middle school boyfriend has very real feelings of loss and betrayal. Her heartbreak is just as painful as an adult’s.
Moms, it’s our job to protect these kids and train them responsibly to prepare for marriage. A happy, fulfilling marriage at the right time.
5. Marriage class.
Instead of dating, we’ll be diving into marriage training.
Nothing too heavy or pushy, but a program of talking about biblical marriage. What does the Bible say about the qualities of a godly wife or husband? What does the Bible warn about the miseries of life with an ungodly spouse (remember the verse about dwelling on the rooftop rather than hanging around a contentious wife)?
Dads, date your daughter. Take her out to a restaurant, hold the door open for her, show her how a godly man treats his wife. Interview your daughter’s dates, even when she’s an adult. Dennis Rainey wrote an excellent little booklet about this.
Moms, talk your sons through choosing a wife who’s more than just pretty. Wives will soon be the mothers of our sons’ kids – our grandchildren! Our spouse is our primary relationship. One day the kids will grow up and move out, and we’ll be empty nesters with our spouse. The choice of a marriage partner cannot be left up to raging hormones and runaway feelings.
Before our kids have an opportunity to bond to that level with another person, we must train them to have certain standards. Let them think with their heads and with their souls before giving away their hearts.
6: Money management.
I was so proud the night I signed on the dotted line to buy a 2006 Dodge Charger for $22, 400. I think I made less than $30,000 at my job. Who was crazy enough to give me a loan?!
But I felt so “adult”. So grown up. So burdened with debt. After wading through credit card debt, taking out student loans, losing the car to repossession, and fending off creditors, I finally became debt phobic. Praise God.
Our society encourages prosperity through debt. Let me tell you, that’s just the appearance of prosperity. Behind the shiny cars and McMansions are struggling, scared, weary borrowers.
Teach your kids to be debt phobic. Let’s invite our kids to learn how to budget and manage money. Talk about how to allocate money, how to save for goals, and live below their means.
Teach them that money means choices, freedom, and opportunity to give.
Forget massive student loans and prestigious schools – employers don’t care what college our kids graduate from. Let’s change the family tree. Encourage kids to work part-time through college. Go to community college for the first two years and transfer to an affordable in-state university. Save money to help pay tuition if you can, but please don’t let our kids leave college with a mountain of debt.
Guess how I learned this? Right: the hard way. I didn’t know any better. I thought everyone borrowed unless they were high achievers and received full scholarships. Now my $35,000 in student loans have ballooned to $86,000 from interest because I’ve been unable to pay. It’s a burden our kids need not bear.
Resource: Dave Ramsey offers money management education for middle school, high school and homeschool.
7: Plan now for the life you want five, 10, and 15 years later.
As kids, we all fantasized about adulthood: we’d be astronauts or doctors or fairy princesses and live in a mansion on the beach with a gorgeous, adoring husband, three kids and a golden retriever.
Without life experience to straighten us out, we didn’t realize our plans wouldn’t just “work out.” Finding our best life requires us to plan the future now. What do our kids want in life in five, 10, and 15 years? Help them work backward. What steps do our kids need to take now to reach those goals? Prayerfully plan the steps. Follow God’s leading and trust Him. I write here about getting your best life through being intentional.
8: Protect me, but don’t rescue me too much. Help me rescue myself.
I was afraid. Bullied, unsure, and going through painful stomach problems, I relied on my mom to rescue me. She was, and is, a warrior. She fought for me and I’ll always be grateful. But as an adult, I was still afraid. Because I relied on her to be my courage.
I didn’t have the stuff in myself. I’ve been afraid to be independent. That’s obviously not what my mom intended, but I had to develop courage and independence much later in life.
I want my boys to live in confidence, not fear. Too much rescuing, not allowing our kids to bear the consequences of their actions, being a “fixer mom” can actually hurt our kids. We deprive them of the opportunity to develop their capabilities and to learn responsibility.
Our job is to protect our kids. Healthy boundaries and limits are our responsibility. But perpetual rescuing robs our kids of confidence.
9: Confront bullies in a godly way.
Eeesh. Not much turns sweet mom in battle mom more than the thought of my kids being bullied. Especially my boy with autism who may not be able to tell me about it, suffering in silence. Here comes mama bear, right?
I was bullied. Yet I had this bizarre idea that if I was passive and didn’t respond, then my bullies would feel bad and leave me alone. Told you it was a bizarre idea.
The other extreme is just as bad: teaching our kids to physically attack a bully. Let’s do this Jesus’s way: Confident confrontation. Jesus never sought out trouble; trouble found him. He was confronted, maligned, verbally abused and eventually murdered (although we all know that didn’t last). Can you imagine the havoc Jesus could have wreaked on His bullies? The power? Maybe a column of fire from heaven?
Jesus didn’t attack back, but He did respond, confident in the quiet strength of His character. Confident strength doesn’t have to be thrown around like a wrestler, or shown off like a bodybuilder’s muscle. It exerts itself in calm, healthy confrontation.
Jesus shot piercing truth into the heart of his attackers.
“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which indeed appear beautiful outwardly, but inside are full of dead [men’s] bones and all uncleanness. 28 “Even so you also outwardly appear righteous to men, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.” Matthew 23: 27-28 NKJV
Help your child practice healthy responses to bullying so she’ll have a ready answer. It’s in those stressful moments where we’re tongue tied, and practicing her answers will use the power of habit and training to prepare for confrontation.
In tenth grade, bullying stopped. Why? I confronted the bullies and nipped it in the bud early. Bullies thrive on having power over the helpless. Snatch their power with confident truth.
10: College isn’t a must, but a skill is.
College used to be a doorway to a well-paying job. Not anymore. Too many young people graduate with a load of student loans and a job paying $28,000 a year. In my area, a family needs an income of around $70,000 to meet basic needs and have a little left over for discretionary spending.
College isn’t always necessary for a profitable job, but a skill is. If our kids show interest and promise in skills like construction, working with their hands, and being outdoors, then explore trade school options.
Many trade skills are quite lucrative, such as an electrical lineman. Look into training as a police officer, firefighter, or park ranger. Remember, our kids will thrive when their strengths, skills, and values meet.
11: Make housework not so contentious.
This was a major, defining issue in my childhood home. My exhausted, overworked mom could never quite seem to get me and my sister to have a good attitude about housework. Saturday morning chores devolved into fighting. Poor mom.
I want to change that in my family, so I asked my aunt, who raised her four kids with a great attitude about housework, for advice:
- Make it fun. Let the boys splash around in the bubbles while they wash dishes. Play fun music and encourage girls to dance while they vacuum. Talk about the fun you’ll have when the chores are over. If you have a good attitude, they will, too.
- Give transition times. We don’t like being interrupted and jerked away from whatever we’re doing, and neither do they. Give kids and teens transition time to move from video games or tv or whatever into chore time. Teens are biologically wired to be night owls (it’s true), so consider allowing teens to do their chores the evening before if you usually clean house on Saturday morning. I do most of my major cleaning on Friday evening and just do some maintenance sprucing on Saturdays.
- Create a chore chart and help them use it. As they get older, don’t micromanage them, but do either reward or deduct rewards (allowance, for example) based on completion of chores. Tina, a mom at my church and a former Marine, uses this method to assign chores to her daughter. When Tina’s daughter was little, she gave her a few age-appropriate chores and reminded her of the chart throughout the day. Now that Tina’s daughter is almost 12, mom doesn’t reminder her. At the end of the week, Tina doles out allowance money and deducts a dollar for every chore that wasn’t completed. That’s proved highly motivating for her daughter. And every year, Tina assigns a new age-appropriate chore. This year it’s going to be laundry.
12: No one’s getting out of devotions.
My sister and I were so obnoxious during family devotions that my parents quit doing them. Not happening. We lead, and kids follow. We don’t allow their poor behavior to dictate ours.
Let me tell you something else I’ve learned: kids absorb things. Every time I hear an old hymn, I can sing along. All those boring hymns from childhood have stuck and now I treasure them.
Just be faithful in planting those seeds and let God water. He’s not called the living water for nothing.
Family devotions can be challenging, but don’t be too hard on yourself: I have an autistic child with ADHD, a hyper toddler, and a nephew with severe ADHD and we survive devotions. We use Keys for Kids, a story-based audio devotional. It works well for us.
Just keep it short. A short lesson, prayer (each person shares one thing they’re grateful for today and one thing we need from God), and a worship song, and we’re done. You can do this!
13: Apologize to my kids.
I wrote about this in detail in a recent post, which you can read here. I believe we should teach our kids about repentance, forgiveness, and restoration of the relationship by leading: if we’ve wronged our kids, then apologize and ask for forgiveness.
When we don’t apologize, then we confuse our kids. They see actions in us that they think are wrong, but they aren’t sure. They become confused adults who aren’t confident in their decisions. What’s right? What’s wrong? It becomes a gray area.
Apologizing to our kids shows love, too, and it honors their personhood. Kids whose parents apologize when mom and dad are legitimately wrong don’t grow up spoiled and entitled – they grow up to be people quick to repent and ask forgiveness, too. They have a sweet, teachable spirit than God can use for His glory.
14: Questions are okay, but backtalk isn’t.
Backtalk is just defiance and engaging with it makes kids think they have negotiating room. The biggest mistake we can make is to argue back with backtalk, trying to convince our kids why we’re right. Forget that. Do what I say first, then come back later and ask about it. Questions are okay. Questions are welcome. Defiance is not.
15: Don’t yell at the waitress.
Don’t yell at your bank’s customer service representative. Would you want their jobs? Probably not. You may have a legitimate gripe, but how you handle it matters. The ends don’t justify the means. All people should be treated with a little of the grace God has shown us. He freely gave us His goodness when we didn’t deserve it. Kindness is free and talk is cheap. Be nice.
16: Be hospitable in your unique way.
In Jesus’s time, hospitality was a matter of life and death. Travelers on dangerous roads and threatening climates relied on the hospitality of strangers to protect them. Jesus Himself welcomed former prostitutes and tax collectors to eat with Him.
In our modern times with our smart phones and social media, we are becoming more digitally connected, yet more isolated. We watch other people’s lives scroll by on Facebook, but miss connecting soul to soul and face to face.
Hospitality reflects God’s character. God loves people and He uses people like you and me to show His love to the world. We can teach our kids practical compassion through hospitality. It needn’t be hard.
- For example: once a month, hold a small dinner party for a few neighbors or young moms from church. Get to know them a bit.
- Take your turn hosting women’s Bible study at your house.
- Welcome your son’s football friends to your home once a week for Bible study and fellowship (but make it sound less boring than that).
- Call a friend and invite her over for lunch.
There’s a hospitality personality fit for everyone.
Moms, we can be chain breakers. We can learn from our wonderful, flawed, fabulous childhood families to create an even better future for our kids. This is a gift for your kids’ future; this is a gift for your grandchildren.